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Wednesday, July 19th, 2006

Subject:The Annual Deal
Time:9:14 am.
Post something anonymously. A confession, a secret, a crush, what you think of me, what you've always wanted to tell someone...
[8 shattered clock sTick Tock]

Saturday, October 1st, 2005

Subject:Loss and Failure: Why I am who I am
Time:5:15 pm.
I don't often care if you read my entries, but I'd like for all of you to read this one.

Since I can remember, my life has been embedded, and at times, suffocating with the presence of music. I started playing the piano when I was a little over four years old; it was fun, only about $12 an hour back then. It was with a woman I knew from church, and with whom I was quite close, after all, back then, in my little town of Blanco where my family made up the only 3 Asians that lived there, everyone really did know everyone else, and frankly, you really didn’t have to lock your doors. I guess I could say that I grew up in middle of nowhere, Texas, so I can honestly tell you that many of those “So you think you are a redneck…” jokes do have a bit of substance in them. At any rate, I grew up in a nice sheltered place where I was always first place in school; I was the epitome of the cliché “nice little Asian girl” – I played the piano, and my life revolved around church. Everything continued in the calm sort of way that only a small town life can provide: it’s something like the charm of a Southern drawl – slow, but pleasant to listen to, and always having the ability to cheer.

So nothing much changed until the3rd grade: I moved to Austin, the sophisticated live music capital of the world. I had started the violin shortly before I moved to Austin, and if it hadn’t been for that, I wouldn’t be in the state of mind that I am in now. In short, you’re probably wondering what brought on this whole random bit of history; you’re probably also thinking “Geez woman, don’t tell me your life story!” So I guess I’d better state my purpose now, as selfish, conceited, and altogether fastidious it may be: for once in my life, I didn’t make All-Region today. For those of you that don’t know, Region is just an audition for orchestra and band; basically, if you make it in you get the honor or burden (it depends on how you look at it, traditionally, I’ve chosen the latter) of playing in the orchestra. Perhaps I’m making too big of a deal out of it, but ever since the 6th grade, I have always made it into Region. It has gotten to the point where, to be honest, I’ve underestimated everyone else and just assumed that I’d make it in. I have never had any problem with it before. So this year, I didn’t practice much. In fact, I guess I barely practiced at all. I thought, “You’ll make it in anyway, it just is the way it is.” So of course, I didn’t.

I guess it isn’t such a big deal except for the fact that it’s reminded me of all the past failures I’ve made, and all the future failures that are out there waiting for me. Very few people know this, but, last year, second semester, I abandoned my beliefs for an attempt at success: I got an interview with Congressman McCaul (a staunch Republican) for an internship. They had no problem with me, and the interview went smoothly (or so I thought) until they realized that I was merely a high school student. They told me that they would email me back shortly with the schedule for interning and that they would me ‘hiring’ me. I never got an email, and after repeated attempts of contacting them, they told me, rather politely, that they had already received all the interns that they would be needing and that I could apply again next year. That’s politics. I never publicized this entire situation, and to the few that knew, I downsized my disappointment. I tried again. I got an internship with the courthouse, and things worked out well. It didn’t matter that I spent the summer watching others in higher positions constantly overdo me. It didn’t matter that perhaps I was wasting my hours away staring at a computer screen entering in data, or filing papers, or carrying boxes. It didn’t matter that I had to constantly fight and convince my parents to even allow me to go to work…I had succeeded in doing something at least. But I was fooling myself, all of that did matter: it hurt that I could never get quite what I wanted, and it hurt that I would never really get the chance to live out the stereotypical lifestyle of a teenager: party, party, party, sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. I didn’t want that life, but I didn’t want the one that I’d been stuck with either. So I was caught, trapped in a job that I didn’t really like, but forced to pretend that I loved it – I still had some pride left.

I tried for more jobs; I called numerous law firms and contacted many politicians. It wasn’t that they didn’t want me so much as, I just lost faith. They would ask me to call back again, and I chose not to – I’d had enough. I’d had enough of wasting my life trying to be someone that clearly I was not meant to be. Yet, I still loved it, and to this day, despite all my mounting failures, there just isn’t anything quite like chess game that is politics. I’ve established my connections, so to speak, and I’m theoretically destined to intern at a law firm this winter break, and next semester. Surprisingly, it doesn’t daunt me that my former boss hasn’t returned my emails despite the very real thought that his promise to “get me into a law firm” could easily have been empty. Why? It’s all politics, and I guess that somehow, I’m used to it. On the other hand, I also helped out a bit with the Barbara Ann Radnofsky campaign for senator. I took metro busses up and down downtown, getting lost, and somehow ending up on 51st street when I meant to be on 7th: does it hurt that the field director for her campaign isn’t returning my calls? A bit, but hey, what can I do?

Similarly, I didn’t make region. Theoretically I’ve still got All State coming up. I don’t know if I want to keep going, because honestly? It hurts.

To conclude: as disinclined as I am to do so, I'm going to keep going and I'm not looking back. There's so much more out there. For me... and for you. There's the 2006 election, there's college, there's LIFE. And I'm going to live!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is: There is always hope. So keep on hoping. Everyone.

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day." - A.A. Milne

That’s all folks. Thanks for listening.

//Alice Renee Yu
[16 shattered clock sTick Tock]

Sunday, September 4th, 2005

Time:8:25 pm.
leave an anonymous comment with:

An insult
A secret
A criticism
A compliment
A death threat
A love note
Lyrics to a song
How old you are
How long we've been friends
A Hint as to who you are
[24 shattered clock sTick Tock]

Saturday, March 19th, 2005

Time:10:49 am.
Post anything that you want as a comment, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like.
[32 shattered clock sTick Tock]

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004

Subject:Damn It...
Time:5:29 pm.
I'm going to make a difference in this world if my life depends on it.

Just you watch... together we can conquer anything.
[1 shattered clock Tick Tock]

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

Time:8:46 pm.

Comment to be added.
[44 shattered clock sTick Tock]

LiveJournal for Shattered Time.

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